


With All I Hold Dear

by pansexualorgana (MaximumMarygold)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: ALL ABOARD THE ANGST TRAIN, Angst, F/M, Open Ending, canon character death, canon compliant except for the part where maggie rolls chance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 09:15:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9315083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaximumMarygold/pseuds/pansexualorgana
Summary: “If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven’t, you cannot possibly imagine it.” - Lemony SnicketMagnus spins Chance.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is alternately called "in which c learns that theyre dating a horrible person and wants to rethink their life" bc their entire reaction to me talking about writing this was "MARY NO"
> 
> Title is from "Still Here" by Digital Daggers and I absolutely do not recommend that you listen to it while reading this bc hahaha you will want to die.

“If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven’t, you cannot possibly imagine it.”

                                                                                    Lemony Snicket

 

The chalice showed Magnus the worst moment of his life in an attempt to convince him to change the past. With something that felt almost like amusement but rougher, dryer, like an emotion scrubbed over sandpaper, he thought that it would have been far more effective had it shown him the best.

A moment spent spinning around his workshop, ringing laughter in his ears and Julia’s hair fanning out behind her. A moment on the sofa with warm mugs of tea  and Terry The Terrier sprawled over their feet while they watched snow fall out the window; she would hum Candlenights songs - they were always out of tune and she only ever hummed because she forgot the words most of the time - and he would pretend that he didn’t find it all so very endearing.

Had he seen that, inside that vision with Old June and the relic that had overtaken her, had he gotten to watch every kiss hello, seen every time their hands linked together under the dinner table, heard her say his name with equal amounts of fondness and disdain for his horrible jokes… had he had to relive all of his best moments with Julia while never being able to touch her or smell the golden oil she used in her hair, things may have turned out differently in Refuge.

With Merle down an eye and his night vision, and Taako missing fifteen points of health with squished organs and heinously bad luck, ten years off of his life felt like nothing at all. He went from thirty to forty, not from twenty to thirty or forty to fifty. And besides, who knew if he would have made it to forty anyways?

After all, Magnus do rush in.

And if he was going to be completely honest with himself, it felt a little like relief. To be ten years older. Ten years closer to dying. Closer to Julia and Steven and Terry. Being in a world where they weren’t felt like a night sky without the stars. And Magnus had always loved the stars.

“I’ll take the extra spin,” he said, stepping forward and dropping a hand onto Merle’s shoulder. The skin on his knuckles looked rough and worn on all of the fingers besides his missing pinkie, “You just lost an eye, old man.” He felt his own eyes crinkle up as he smiled, “Let me take this one.”

“Hey, now-” Merle tried to argue but Magnus had already stepped up to the wheel and spun it without any preamble at all.

It spun past eye, and skull, and body, over and over again until it finally slowed, and slowed, and slowed to a crawl and landed on the question mark.

“Chance!” One of the elves cheered, Magnus didn’t know nor care which one it was, “Oh, we love chance! We were hoping this would come up!” Well, that meant nothing good.

Sharing a look with Taako and Merle that relayed that they definitely had the same idea. Things were about to go tits up. Probably in some kind of fabulously ostentatious fashion.

Chance, as it turned out, meant that he had to choose what he gave up. The catch being that if he didn’t give up _enough_ that he would have to go again - and lose what he’d already put up anyways.

“Um…” he thought of his other pinkie, but that didn’t exactly live up to the expectations from the rest of the round. Another ten years? That would put him at fifty. Ten years older. Twenty years closer to everyone he loved.

Taako mumbled something that was probably simultaneously scathing and goofy followed by the thud and ‘oof’ of Merle elbowing him in the stomach and Magnus took a moment to amend.

Not _every_ one he loved.

A memory, one of the elves suggested, and wow there were some options in that one. The idea that came to mind first made his stomach lurch so harshly that for a moment he thought he would be sick right there over The Wheel of Misfortune.

He could forget her. It would be like they never met, like she never existed. His wedding ring felt like it weighed a million pounds on his finger. Her could give up the pain of losing her, the knife in his heart every time he realized that the memory of her voice was growing a little fainter. He’d lose that moment where he’d frozen in place, unable to make himself go about his day when he realized that he couldn’t remember which cheek would dimple when she grinned at him.

He could forget the moment that he’d lost her. Lost all of them. The moment that his world faded into grayscale and his fingers went numb and all of the stars left the sky.

It was tempting, so tempting. His mouth opened. He was ready to tell the elves, to seal his fate and forget that he’d ever been in love with wild hair and a sunlight smile.

But then.

Then he’d lose the dances, and the nights spent on the sofa. He wouldn’t have the kisses that stole his breath, or her soft hand curled in his, or the puns that made her roll her eyes even as she laughed.

He couldn’t give up one without losing the other.

But could he live with both?

**_I love you, Jules._ **

 

**Author's Note:**

> "WHAT IF MAGNUS AND JULES HAD A D O G WHEN RAVENS ROOST WAS ATTACKED"  
> "M A R Y N O"
> 
> i feel like im about to get divorced over this.
> 
> Dont forget you can check me (and my extensive taako art hahahaha) out on tumblr [here!](http://elevendamerons.tumblr.com/)


End file.
